The flip cover of my daughters journal lies on her bed tempting me to skim through it. I know I shouldn't but I'm extremely curious about my teenage daughters life considering  if she is like me. She never talks to me about any of her problems or what goes on in her life. There is memories and secrets in that book that no one else knows except maybe her friends. If she would catch or find out I read it my daughter would hate me with a passion and would most likely never forgive me. I couldn't  take it no more I grabbed the journal and walked downstairs. The front of the cover had a cartoon drawn on it, I opened to the first page. The way she worded things was descriptive this journal was not like an ordinary teenagers  journal more like a love story. This journal could be a book it didn't just have happy things but also shocking and depressed moments her life sounded as a dramatic change of events. I flipped to the back as I began to close It a sentence had caught my eye. 
June 5th 2012 The day was warm and I could feel the magic in the air the temptation between us was growing like wildfire. As we arrived at his house from our walk he opened his front door no sign of any guardians I followed in after him. Would this be the day it would happen the day I loose the most precious thing that belongs to me? I asked myself. Two hours went by nothing unexpected happened just an evening spent alone together. I gently closed her journal as I seen her bus pull up outside I walked up the stairs and sat her journal in the exact place and walked over to my room with the shock of how my daughter has a hidden life behind what I see everyday.
 
 
Here is something I thought that I would never actually do, kick start an Internet journal (or blog if you prefer) without nary an idea or a reason to do so.

But as one individual most likely said, the best way to play the Internet game is to go on a whim and hope everything works out for you. Shockingly, you would most likely meet piles of resentment from the general populace that came to habit this magnificent place. Playing the Internet game on a casual and cautionary mode yields no excitement or victories whatsoever. It may be me just preferring the adventurous undertone of a daring and reckless adolescence trekking the various unknowns of the cyberspace, hopefully meeting new friends and unintentionally making lasting enemies.

With that little insight of the insanity that is me that I now share with you, whoever you are, I sincerely hope that my passive and ultimately pointless ranting and whatever will enlighten you, or at the least entertain for whatever reason.

Whatever tickles your fancy is between you and your therapist(s). 

Hopefully, there will be more soon.
 
 
Deep down,
I can see why.
See why everything
Has gone to hell.
Yet I refuse
To believe why
Why everything
Has gone to hell.
As I see you
Standing there
Bloody
Torn up
Shred to ribbons
I swallow back
The bile.
Swallow it back
Because I can't be seen
As weak.
Because I will be seen
As a traitor.
You are standing
In that hell
Screaming--
Rips my heart up.
I don't understand why.
For the first time
In my life
Nothing makes sense.
Nothing.
Not even you.

Deep down,
I'm not sure I'm
On the right track.
I'm not sure I'm
Right about anything.
Not anymore.
I can hear your voice
It isn't sweet anymore.
Nothing is.
Everything's black
Like me
Like what I've done.
The bile
Rises again--
Burns my throat.
It blocks out everything
You
Your voice
Your screams
Your blood.
Yet it doesn't
Block out
What I want it to
Block out
Him
His smile
His orders
HIs triumph.
I hit my knees.
Everything stops.

Deep down,
I can still see why
Everything has
Gone to hell.
Yet I don't
I can't
Be apart of it
Anymore.
You watch me
Watch me fall
Watch my tears
Watch the bile
Fly from my mouth.
You grit your teeth
Grab the dirt
Attempt to shout
As a shadow
Falls over me.
Your eyes widen
And I know
What's to come.
You scream again
As my blood rains
Over you.
Your face
Is the last thing I see
As
My
Eyes
Close

Copyright © 2013 "Behaviorism", Jillian S. All rights reserved.

 
 
What kind of side, like.. it’s a song about being lonely.
and he had broke up with me, and I felt something in me.. and all I wanted to do was sing..

I don’t know if he made a mistake, maybe he honestly didn’t like me.

But, I felt so alone, like all the power I had gained was forcefully taken away.

It was like, I was granted happiness then it got snatched away.

And honestly it hurt, it felt like I was stabbed in the chest.

So, I thought maybe if he heard me sing it, he’s fall for a part of me he has never known.

That’s the only reason I wanna do battle of the bands, for some strange reason,

I have this hope in me that I could get him back, the way I get a lot of other people back..

Using the one thing I can seduce people with.. my voice,

But, maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

Maybe, I should just stick by myself.

Why would he be hurt? He hurt me, he broke me down.

Then he gets on twitter, and tells that one girl that she’s gorgeous, that shit felt like a blade against my chest.

Because for a minute, I thought maybe he would change his mind.

But that set all things in line,

And I’ve been doing nothing but singing alone, with my guitar in my room, I take my food down, my drinks, I sleep and wake up and sing. I breathe music at this point, and it scares me, because I’ve never felt like this before..

When people break up with me, I laugh. When, I break up with people, I’m fine.

But, this hit something inside me, that hurt so bad.. like a tiny itty bitty crack in my heart, turned into this huge break. And it just

It hurt

Really bad.

All I can say…

I really wanted us to work, because he made me happy.

…. I was gunna play for him.

I was gunna sing.

His is why I stick by myself, all the lonely people.

 
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